backtracking.

In my brief overview of the past few weeks I forgot to share about an especially beautiful experience:

Monday night (September 6th) at 1:30 am OTZMA boarded a bus to Jerusalem to experience and observe Selichot traditionally. To begin to reflect on the year past, to begin to say sorry and atone before the books of life and death are even opened.

We sat on the quiet dark streets of the old city and listened to stories of Rosh Hashanah, stories and texts about why we welcome in the new year when we do. It was a pretty all inclusive night, a "lailah lavan", and just as first light was showing against the limestone, we ventured to the Kotel.

It had been a year since I was there last, for my twin brothers' B'nai-Mitzvah. I was annoyed and I was bitter. I would spend a year on the Bimah, a pivotal part of dozens of people's celebrations, and for my own family's simcha, I had to stand behind a one way mirror. Fighting, FIGHTING with religious women to get a glance at my brothers. I was really disgusted by the scene. But then they read, one at a time, and I realized, their experience, even if it was without me, was special. Their time at the wall, with all of their uncles and boy cousins was something unrepeatable. I didn't go to the wall that day.

So on Monday, I went to the wall for the first time in 3 years. I went with peace of mind, I went with the things I was atoning for, I went to acknowledge that something greater than me had let me arrive at this season.

Next year will be different from this, this year was different than last.

"And so, if one is standing in the east, one turns toward the west; if one is standing in the west, one turns toward the east; if one is standing in the south, one turns toward the north; if one is standing in the north, one turns to the south. Thus, all of Israel directs their hearts toward one place"
-Talmud

Selichot reminded me that everything is a circle, everything evolves, everything must be flexible, we must be everything while being nothing.